Judgementally discerning

I've been struggling with my judgemental spirit alot this week. And at what point do you call it judgemental and not discerning? I've been going to a church that I have visited on and off over my time in China. And I always really enjoyed the novelty of it, the freedom to worship, well, freely. And so when I came back to the States I just kind of assumed that I would move forward in learning about the church and placing membership there. So I've gone to a few classes, and on paper it all lines up. And in general it seems like a great group of people working toward Christ-likeness. But on Sunday I had such a hard time turning my brain off. All I could think was, is this for real? Are these people real? Why is everyone so...pretty? Why does the church have to be so...nice? Ugh.

I think coming back I have overanticipated what I would run into and have prematurely built up a wall to protect myself from falling into the American mediocrity* that I'm so scared of. All that to say, it's too soon. I can't begin to identify myself with a specific body right now, just like I can't seem to commit to my friends' community project. I think I underestimated the time I would need to adjust - to figure out where it is I'm going here. There are too many variables right now for me to make so many things concrete so soon...even though concrete is what I want now. I guess I just have to take this time for what it is - transition. And a big lesson in patience and dependence.

*I know not all Americans are mediocre. And mediocrity can be found all over the world. But just go with me here.