On loving and expectations
I think growing up is about a realignment of expectations. I mean, when I was in high school, did I dream about being 30, unmarried, "childless", and a live-in nanny? Um, no. All I wanted at that time was to marry a youth minister and be a stay-at-home mom. I fully expected to be married right out of college. I mean, I did go to a Christian university - does that not guarantee an MRS degree??
Would it have been bad for me to get married out of college, be a youth minister's wife, and have a passel of kids? Not at all. Am I thankful everyday that His plans are greater than mine? Absolutely. This past decade of walking with the Lord, just us, has been a priceless treasure to me. Though please do not read that to mean that I have been appreciative each step along the way. :)
God has really been expanding my concept of family lately. Growing up, all I dreamed about was loving MY husband, MY kids, MY family. But things look different to me now. What if we're called to just LOVE in the place we're in? And what if the people we are to love come in different ways than we thought? What I'm to love, to mother whoever needs mothering, for a day, for a month, for years?
What if I marry a man with kids? What if the Lord allows me to foster? Adopt? What if it's just me nannying, carrying other people's kids to soccer practice, helping in children's ministry? What if it's not kids at all, but that I'm just supposed to LOVE whoever needs love around me? I'm learning how love expands far past DNA, far past family lines. I'm learning that love is HARD and that no love is perfect but His.
If I never experience the joy of pregnancy and traditional family, is my life less? Will I feel cheated? Will I feel abandoned? For years I thought so, but I'm beginning to think, no. Do I want those things? YES. But I'm seeing much more clearly how truly short this life is compared to the next, and if I'm bursting to love and nurture and mother, if my heart is dying to pour in and pour out, why save it up for some future time? Why confine it to what I thought it would look like? Has He not gifted me and created me in His own perfect way? Has He not purposed times and boundaries for me? So why not just LOVE WITH ABANDON and ignore the lines we draw? Why waste energy pining for what I don't have and instead search for those who need what I have?
Life is rarely as neat and boxed in as we try to make it. It's messy, it's ugly, it's beautiful. I've never been more thankful than I am now about how the Lord leads us, draws us, carries us on this amazing adventure. He hears all I've ever asked for and says, "Oh Amy, I have so much more." He wastes absolutely nothing and makes all things beautiful. Beauty from ashes, that is His way.
posted by Amy @ 2:10 PM
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