The source of 99% of all my problems: lack of self-discipline.
Normally I push it aside by comparing myself to others or being legalistic in my discipline, but it was revealed to me this morning that it is a major problem. In my Reading this morning I saw this: For He did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of
self-discipline.
So every ounce of fear or timidity I let control my life is not from Him, it is from my SELF. The self that I supposedly died to years ago. I've always struggled with SELF, letting it become my focus, dare I say, idol!
If I look at my day, what is the majority of it focused on? Me. What will I eat? What will I do? How will I be entertained? Even in reading or studying - What can I get out of it?
I'll confess that I have a hard time being at home. I don't know what it is exactly, but I turn into a sullen, quiet, uninviting lump. Maybe it's the level of comfort. Perhaps it's time I get uncomfortable. I would be embarrassed for my friends to see the way I've wasted my time, just existing, like I've been on a vacation from life. I haven't exuded Love. I haven't opened any doors that would allow the Spirit to work through me. I've just shut down.
It's hard in America because it's easy to just blend in. I'm not really a part of just one core group that would keep me accountable. In China it's a little easier because we're in each other's business all the time. And I'm uncomfortable there. There's always an obvious reminder of why I'm the outsider and what I should be doing.
Even with something as basic as food, something He's given us, yes for enjoyment, but mainly for sustainenance and energy to...do work, I've construed into how can I fill my desires? Forget what my body NEEDS. I rarely think of my body as a temple, preserving it and caring for it to encourage years of service. Instead it's more like a Fun Park, "What do I want today?"
So I say all this to confess that I've been spending my time fulfilling my desires and not seeking out what He desires. And to ask for accountability. Call me out! I'll be better for it. And maybe you will to.
