Undeserving open spaces

I feel like I can breathe. I feel like myself again.

I've been processing a lot over the last few days, a little puzzled at where this unbelievable, peaceful, overflowing JOY has come from. I've been downright hyper and silly.

I think I see where the discontent started. I turned 30, finished school, and suddenly thought it was time to put my big girl pants on, take control of my life, and take matters into my own hands. I started job searching, started online dating. Let's get on with it. Let's make things happen. I'm tired of waiting. I'm not saying any of these things is bad in itself. But this discontent started rolling in, this "I'm not enough" settled deep in my chest, and I lost my joy.

Fast forward nearly a year later. A year of hopeful anticipation mixed with striving and impatience. Mountains of both rejection and rejecting, crying and seeking.

I find myself in this glorious open space. Literally and figuratively. Just behind my house there is this wide open space with snow covered mountains that I'm pretty sure were put there just for me, and I can BREATHE. It's been like a healing balm on my soul. And I think I've figured out why. I didn't do a single thing to get this space. Literally, not one thing. I didn't ask for the space, I didn't look for the space, I didn't earn the space; all I did was say yes, and I even said yes before I saw it! It's this tremendous gift that I didn't strive for or seek out. He gave it to me because He delights in me. And as I look back even further I can see that the greatest blessings in my life have not been things I have sought out or planned. China, Colorado, Lucy. Each one was just an opportunity to say yes and go on an adventure, to focus on the journey and not the destination. It has renewed my faith in His timing and His ways. It has renewed my hope, not only in things to come, but that truly in each season of life He is good and He is enough.

And so all the big questions still remain. Nothing is remotely settled.

But for now, I've got this JOY and this stranger called contentment, and in this moment, it's certainly enough.

12 verses for 2013

In a beautiful, hard, trying year of waiting, seeking, transitioning, trusting -  these are the Words that have sustained me.  


I knew you in the wilderness, in the land of drought.  Hosea 13:5

I will repay you for the years that the swarming locust ate, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust...You will praise the name of Yahweh your God who has dealt wondrously with you.  Joel 2:25-26

She who has believed is blessed because what was spoken to her by the Lord will be fulfilled.  Luke 1:45

Sow righteousness for yourselves and reap faithful love; break up your untilled ground. It is time to seek the Lord until He comes and sends righteousness on you like the rain.  Hosea 10:12

You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.  Psalm 16:5-6

Blessed are those whose strength is in You, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.  Psalm 84:5

My love calls to me; arise my darling, come away my beautiful one!  Song of Songs 2:10

But I trust in You, Lord. I say, "You are my God. The course of my life is in your power." Ps. 31:14-15

I, the Lord, have called you for a righteous purpose, and I will hold you by your hand.   Isaiah 42:6

You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.   Psalm 145:16

In Your behalf my heart says, "Seek My face."  Lord, I will seek Your face.   Psalm 27:8

I wait for the Lord: I wait and I put my hope in His Word. I wait for the Lord more than the watchman for the morning - more than the watchman for the morning...     Psalm 130:5-6

Thank you, 2013.
Now get out.  :)

On loving and expectations

I think growing up is about a realignment of expectations. I mean, when I was in high school, did I dream about being 30, unmarried, "childless", and a live-in nanny? Um, no. All I wanted at that time was to marry a youth minister and be a stay-at-home mom.  I fully expected to be married right out of college. I mean, I did go to a Christian  university - does that not guarantee an MRS degree?? 

Would it have been bad for me to get married out of college, be a youth minister's wife, and have a passel of kids? Not at all.  Am I thankful everyday that His plans are greater than mine? Absolutely.  This past decade of walking with the Lord, just us, has been a priceless treasure to me.  Though please do not read that to mean that I have been appreciative each step along the way.   :)

God has really been expanding my concept of family lately.  Growing up, all I dreamed about was loving MY husband, MY kids, MY family. But things look different to me now.  What if we're called to just LOVE in the place we're in?  And what if the people we are to love come in different ways than we thought?  What I'm to love, to mother whoever needs mothering, for a day, for a month, for years?

What if I marry a man with kids?  What if the Lord allows me to foster? Adopt?  What if it's just me nannying, carrying other people's kids to soccer practice, helping in children's ministry?  What if it's not kids at all, but that I'm just supposed to LOVE whoever needs love around me?  I'm learning how love expands far past DNA, far past family lines.  I'm learning that love is HARD and that no love is perfect but His.

If I never experience the joy of pregnancy and traditional family, is my life less? Will I feel cheated?  Will I feel abandoned? For years I thought so, but I'm beginning to think, no.  Do I want those things? YES. But I'm seeing much more clearly how truly short this life is compared to the next, and if I'm bursting to love and nurture and mother, if my heart is dying to pour in and pour out, why save it up for some future time?  Why confine it to what I thought it would look like?  Has He not gifted me and created me in His own perfect way?  Has He not purposed times and boundaries for me? So why not just LOVE WITH ABANDON and ignore the lines we draw?  Why waste energy pining for what I don't have and instead search for those who need what I have?

Life is rarely as neat and boxed in as we try to make it.  It's messy, it's ugly, it's beautiful.  I've never been more thankful than I am now about how the Lord leads us, draws us, carries us on this amazing adventure.  He hears all I've ever asked for and says, "Oh Amy, I have so much more."  He wastes absolutely nothing and makes all things beautiful.  Beauty from ashes, that is His way.

Book List

Here's a list of amazing books that have blown my mind in 2013!

In no particular order...

Living Water by Chuck Smith
Out of Mormonism by Judy Roberson
Revival Praying by Leonard Ravenhill
Dreams and Visions by Tom Doyle
Waking Up In Heaven by Crystal McVea
The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson
Let Us Pray by Watchman Nee
Red Moon Rising by Pete Greig
God Smugglers by Brother Andrew

Chronicles

If the past year of my life were chronicled like the stories of the Old Testament, it would look something like this.  :)

In the 30th year of Amy of the Pratts, the Lord spoke to Amy saying, "Leave your people in the city of Nashville and move to the land of the Coloradans. Take root and settle among them. You will care for a child not your own, and I will provide for your every need.  Do not fear, for I will be with you." So Amy followed the instruction of the Lord, thinking the Lord might bless her with a husband.  In the third month, Amy became disheartened because the Lord had not yet seen fit to bless her with a husband.  She was also overwhelmed with sickness.  The Lord spoke to Amy saying, "I have lead you to the wilderness to speak tenderly to you." (Hosea 2:14)  The Lord provided Amy with a fellowship of believers. They met together to study the Scriptures and committed themselves to prayer.  The believers were of one heart and called out to the Lord, "Fill us with your Spirit!" In worship, Amy was continually overwhelmed and wept openly. She sought the Lord to fill her with Truth. Then, the congregation laid hands on Amy where she received a fresh revelation of the gifts of the Spirit. The Lord grew in her the gift of exhortation and called her into a ministry for children.  The Lord spoke to her saying, "I, the Lord, have called you for a righteous purpose, and I will hold you by your hand." (Isaiah 42:6) Amy was filled with the joy of the Lord and praised Him saying, "In each season, You have been faithful. In each season, You have drawn me in!"  Amy continued to wait on the Lord for His perfect timing. She knew a time of uncertainty was ahead where she would need to seek the Lord even more earnestly.  The Spirit reminded her of a Psalm, "God - He clothes me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer and sets me securely on the heights...You widen a place beneath me for my steps, and my ankles do not give way." (Psalm 18) And Amy was unafraid, knowing that the Lord would lead her gently into whatever was ahead.

I share this with you, not to boast in my own strength or to let you think I'm awesome but to share the amazing journey the Lord has brought me through over the last year.  Through seasons of doubt, confusion, and even anger, He has been faithful.  Denver has truly been my wilderness, and He has been so kind to speak tenderly to me.  He has filled me with Truth and grown my understanding of the real Gospel. He has taught me about His Spirit and set me free from chains I didn't even know I had. All through the Old Testament, God tells His people to keep talking about what He's done. Tell your children! Don't forget! Set up a monument! DON'T FORGET! So this is my attempt to chronicle an amazing year. The first 30 years have been so awesome that it's hard for me to imagine the next 30 being better. But somehow, I feel the best is yet to come.  :)

Lessons with Lucy

Lucy is wonderful. She's adorable. She's a mess. She's one.
I've always known that I would learn new things about God in each season of my life, especially with marriage and kids. Though I don't quite have either of those yet, God is good to loan out Lucy as a daily object lesson.

Being around Lucy has given me fresh revelation about the nature and character of God as our Father.  It's so fun to watch Lucy learn: new words, new signs, how balance works, what gravity is all about. She's just starting to stand on her own, wanting to take steps. Today she was so proud when she let go of my hands to show off standing on her own. She isn't always interested in standing or walking. It's hard. She's not good at it yet. But what kind of people would we be if we always carried her around, never letting her get frustrated, never letting her stumble around and finally get the strength to stand? Isn't that the way with God? What kind of God would He be if He just made everything easy, gave me everything I wanted? I would never learn to stand. I would never learn to explore outside the baby gate.

I've also learned some things about perspective. From my great adult height, I can see past what Lucy can see. I can see what things are safe and what are not. I have wisdom she does not: that eating dog hair isn't good and that naps are actually beneficial and not torture. Today she didn't want her bottle. She was crying because she was hungry, but she wouldn't take what I was offering, the thing that would make her full and satisfied! So many lessons about God! He can see far beyond my finite vision. He's knows what is up ahead. He knows how to keep me safe, how to make me thrive! He offers exactly what I need but how often do I refuse it, thinking something else is better?

I've also seen a small glimpse of what God's love for us might be like. Because Lucy can scream her head off, she can bonk me on the head with toys, and refuse to come to me, but as soon as she smiles, as soon as she says "Ahhba", the screaming and the bonking and the refusing fades away. How God must rejoice with us when we finally get something He's been showing us for so long...when we finally unclench our hands and stand on our own, when we take those first wobbly steps into something new, when we trust Him. And then we grin ear to ear like we are such big boys and girls, and God just smiles, saying, "Just wait and see what things I have planned for you."

30 Things I Gained (or LOST!) from Whole 30!

Whole 30 is over, and you'll be proud to know I have kept it up with the exception of adding half and half to my coffee and trying a few paleo-friendly desserts at the Crossfit potluck last night! Oh, and I didn't win the challenge. :( But I did win two free movie tickets for being a part of the winning team!

1. I didn't cheat once! I was able to stick to it for the entire 30 days...even in Nashville!
2. I lost 10 lbs! (4.34 %)
3. I lost lots of inches! Don't remember the exact numbers but something like 3 inches off each arm and 5 inches off my waist!
4. When I started Whole 30, we did a baseline workout. (500 m row, 40 air squats, 30 situps, 20 pushups, 10 ring pulls) Day 1, my time was 7:34. Day 30, my time was 6:18!
5. I improved my 1 rep max deadlift from 110 lbs to 175 lbs! 
6. The number of days I am miserably sore after a workout has drastically decreased!
7. My Thriller dress zipped!
8. I was able to button all my jeans again and actually sit down with them buttoned ;)
9. The food takes prep, but it's yummy!
10. I loved not feeling comatose and sleepy after eating.
11. I learned I don't overeat on meat and veggies.
12. I loved not counting calories and strictly measuring things.
13. I ate when I was hungry.
14. There was no guilt when I ate because I knew I was actually hungry!
15. I feel a new element of control in my eating.
16. I kicked my sugar addiction!
17. I loved knowing that what I was eating wasn't processed with a bunch of hidden chemicals inside!
18. I learned how important environment is. When I went back to the 5th Ave house to visit for Brad and Jordan's wedding, I instantly wanted to snack and eat all the time!
19. My overall appetite decreased.
20. I didn't feel munchy.
21. I discovered the natural sweetness of vegetables! (Once my tongue recovered from all that processed sugar I was eating).
22. I learned to drink black coffee!
23. I learned it is possible to be social without eating.
24. I finally accepted eating eggs and leftovers for breakfast all the time.
25. I didn't miss cheese, bread, yogurt, or even brownies!
26. I like cooking with coconut oil!
27. Lara bars are the perfect emergency food to keep on you at all times!
28. You can still drink kombucha on Whole 30! Hallelujah!  :)
29. The crock pot is my best friend.
30. It's fun having a new community of Whole 30/Crossfit friends!