A friend passed on a book to me called
Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness by Debbie Manken because she wanted to know my opinion on it and discuss it. Ok, sure. So I read the book and immediately passed it on to Beth. Three opinions are better than one, right? Here are the books main points (stolen from
Beth's blog).
1.
God created us for marriage. If we do not get married, we are denying our very nature.
2.
Biblically, there are only 3 reasons why a person should not marry... born eunuchs, eunuchs caused by men, and those who have renounced marriage due to ministry. (Matt.19)
3.
Missions is not justification for being single. If you are single on mission field then you have misapplied the sovereignty of God. There is no mission field today (VERY RARE anyways) that is too dangerous or would not permit a family/married couple doing ministry together.
4.
Celibacy and singleness are not the same thing. If you remain single due to biblical reason #3, then you must have the gift of celibacy. (Basically, if you have any sexual desire you must marry.)
5.
You should marry in your youth. If not you will not experience fullness of marriage.
6.
Single women should not form friendships with males. If women provide things for men, they (men) will not realize that they are missing a wife. They need their "spouse-shaped void" to be filled and you could be stopping that from happening.
7.
Historically, males married due to the push from society. Their aim in life was to have a family and provide for a family. Churches, families, etc. all helped couples get together and marry.
Nowadays, males have been given too much freedom and little push so instead of getting married, they make excuses.
8.
Dating provides too much access to the opposite sex.
9.
To find a spouse, get an agent. There is nothing wrong with moving in with your parents and letting your father (or other male spiritual leader) help to find a spouse for you. Internet resources such as eharmony.com or bigchurch.com can also be agents.
10.
While dating/courting put a 3 month limit on it. A ring or go separate ways. You should know after the third date whether the relationship is worth pursuing for 3 months.
11.
If you are struggling or upset with being single, it is okay. There is no reason to cover it up with excuses like "this is God's will for my life", "God will send the right man along" and "because I am single, I can focus on doing ministry." The Church is wrong to say that singleness is okay.
While this book did have a few good points, overall, I was just shocked. Making a blanket statement that if you do not marry you are out of God's will is ridiculous to me. Manken uses God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" to argue that if we aren't doing that we're sinning. She even implied that married couples who opt out of having children are also in the wrong. Basically she began the book by letting women with "protracted singleness" (basically single past mid 20's) know that it is ok to want marriage. In our society single women often feel that they must justify themselves for not being married and feeling like a loser or give some excuse as to why it isn't God's time for them yet.
Then she went on to explain marriage historically, that marriage was often arranged by whole communities, everyone playing matchmaker to ensure that people got married. Being unmarried was socially unacceptable. Obviously alot of that has changed for our society. People often pursue schooling and careers over marriage, making the average age for marriage much later than in years prior. Then Manken paints a dreadfully bleak picture of the dating world, saying that since men aren't socially pressured to marry they'll just drag you on as you "wither on the vine". She is strongly against extended schooling and says that's just putting off marriage.
So after she has painted this depressing, hopeless image of all the available men playing with their toys, casually dating every available woman, and refusing to marry us, she offers a solution. I, for one, was very intrigued as to what her answer would be. She suggests that women with "protracted singleness" move back in with their parents and let the father serve as an agent for you. Basically the whole "what are you intentions"/shotgun on the porch idea. It seemed to me that the guy would be dating my father and wooing him to try to get to me. Come on. Then she says if that is impossible for you, you should try an online dating agency. Really? After all that build up and depressing imagery of no guy ever committing, you want me to go online and search and endless pool of equally desperate people. I'm not opposed entirely to online dating, just not there now. I'm not at a point where I wouldn't feel like a loser. And what about the thrill of being pursued?
So it's not long after Manken gives her amazing solution to singleness that she drops the bomb. She's Indian! I think she grew up in America, but her immediate family is Indian. That changes everything! Just from being around our Indian friends here, we know that arranged marriages are perfectly acceptable and a norm even today. It works for them. Great. But that is a completely different cultural attitude than the average American view. Sure her family was able to hook her up with an available Indian guy; it's part of her culture and heritage. Perhaps I'm not being very P.C., but I felt that her being of Indian ancestry changed everything. And I also thought it was pretty sneaky that there was no picture of her on the book, and she didn't say she was Indian until the last pages of the book.
So final thoughts:
I do feel like now I can say "Yes, I do want to get married" without feeling pitiful. There is an invisible pressure to appear content about being single even if you aren't. Do I want to get married tomorrow? Do I feel I'm ready? No. And I don't think it's wrong of me to use my time as a single person to the Glory. I do see that God made marriage and blesses it. And I do see how our society has changed dramatically in the last 30 years causing marriage to be pushed back, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to suddenly put on my dress and bonnet and hop back into the 1900's. I've often thought that if God so desperately wants me to marry that He'll help me out! Manken addresses this mindset with a "God helps those who helps themselves" attitude saying we don't sit around and wait for God to give us a job or house, so why should we sit around and let him drop a man on our laps. I disagree with that logic. And I'm hardly just sitting around expecting a man to fall from the sky. I think there's something to God's timing. And I'm reminded over and over that His plans are far greater than mine. Oh how different my life would be if God had given me what I'd asked for each time.
One last thought...
Beth and I realized we're no longer early 20's, but mid-20s! We've protracted singleness! :)
